Fireball to Distill Human Tears Into a Salty, Football-Themed Release Dubbed ‘Crierball’ — And No, This Is Not a Joke

(Photos: Sazerac)

On Tuesday, Fireball Cinnamon Whisky set its sights on football season with a new product distilled from the tears of rivals. April Fool’s Day is still nearly half a year off, so we’ll try our best to take this one at face value.

The brand has hired a group of “Fireball Tear Collectors” (we’d love to see the job listing for that one) who are slated to touch down at football games in Georgia, Texas, Illinois, Pennsylvania, Alabama and Ohio throughout November. Their task? To collect loser’s tears straight from the source.

The whole thing is frankly ridiculous, so we’ll let Fireball explain the details:

“The Fireball Tear Collectors will never touch fans or handle the tears directly; they’ll only collect fluid right from the source (fans eyes). Using sealed jars and tear droppers, they can gather everything from a steady stream of sobs to a single tear. Rest assured, all sealed jars and droppers will be sterilized and limited to one use per person for maximum hygiene! From there the sealed jars will be placed in storage and transported to the distillery facility for storing and distillation.”

Our first thought: there’s no way to collect enough tears for a full batch of whisky, let alone a single bottle. Rest assured, Fireball has mulled over the technicalities. The brand says that its red-clad collectors will be dispatched with menthol sticks to help stimulate tear glands if necessary. The whole thing sounds like it was ripped straight from a dystopian movie; we can already imagine the plot, “Cinnamon-flavored human suffering feeds the masses.”

In October, the vials will be dispatched to the factory for a months-long sterilization and distillation process. Brand director Danny Suich says that the innovation, affectionately dubbed Crierball, should be ready to roll out by next football season. According to early mockups, it’ll be bottled at 66 proof and decorated with a tear logo enveloping a football field.

Bizzare as the whole thing may sound, it might not be the craziest scheme that Fireball has put together. If anything, the Canadian whisky brand has built its entire image around outlandish stunts well in line with its outlandish flavor.

Over the years, fans have been invited to partake in Fireball lingerie, “drinkable” Fireball golf clubs, Fireball Kentucky Derby hats and a bright-red Fireball lipstick intended to celebrate Travis Kelce and Taylor Swift’s romance. Let’s see… there’s also Fireball BBQ seasoning, Fireball shoes and Fireball kegs. Did we forget to mention the Fireball caviar?

“In football, few things – aside from Fireball, of course – are better than the sweet taste of victory, especially when that W comes at the expense of your biggest rivals,” said Danny Suich, global brand director for Fireball. “Our brand is all about embracing that competitive spirit, but amping it up with a little more spice. We’re on a mission to capture the soul of rivalries – aka the tears of losers – at this season’s biggest games. The expected result? A one-of-a-kind whisky bottling that is sure to become the ultimate showpiece allowing for supreme bragging rights next season.”

If you’re interested in donating to the cause, Fireball says that its collectors can be found at the following NFL and college games:

• Nov. 2: Florida Gators vs. Georgia Bulldogs in Athens, GA
• Nov. 10: Philadelphia Eagles vs. Dallas Cowboys in Dallas, TX
• Nov. 17: Green Bay Packers vs. Chicago Bears in Chicago, IL
• Nov. 17: Baltimore Ravens vs. Pittsburgh Steelers in Pittsburgh, PA
• Nov. 30: Auburn Tigers vs. Alabama Crimson Tide in Tuscaloosa, AL
• Nov. 30: Michigan Wolverines vs. Ohio State Buckeyes in Columbus, OH